My son asked me earlier today if I believed in magic and I quickly responded with such a negative attitude and said, "No. There is no such thing." I quickly realized how I so wished there was such a thing as magic because I could use some of it right now.
After almost three years of separation from my Husband I had decided that it was time to fight for our marriage. No more nonsense, no more blaming or pointing the finger. No more running from being accountable for my actions. No more playing games is what I thought. I confronted him and let it all out on how ready I was to fight this long battle that lies ahead. Damn it it's been three fucking years, three wasted years. Here I was eager to confront all of the repercussions of all of my wrong doing that put us in this situation. Here I was eager to jump into this battle with both feet. I was finally ready to give it my all and I have never been more sure than anything else in my entire life as I was this. Well guess what??? For him I had waited a little too long. I was a little too late and he asked, "Where have you been for the last three years?"
I have never felt so much pain as I am now. I've fallen apart and just pretend to be together while my kids are with me. I have to get out of bed each more for my kids. I still have to be a Mom........for my kids. I can't complain about the pain I'm feeling. I've caused it, I created it, I did it and I have no excuse for it. I really never have imagined my life without being with my Husband. In my heart I always knew we'd be together eventually because he loves. Now, I have to deal with the possibility of never getting him back and it hurts like hell. It's something I can't even wrap my mind around. How could this be? No way, not my family. How could I have caused this to my family? I don't want to raise my kids like this. This wasn't suppose to be my life.
Everyday has been a nightmare. Everyday I'm hoping that today is the day he'll say he wants to work it out too. Everyday I want to give up but I can't. I can't give up because I need to fight for the family my kids deserve to have. Those kids give me the strength to get back up and keep fighting. For them I will do anything.
